Getting Dark..

Another day, another icy morning. When will it stop raining? My two blankets aren't even enough to keep me warm. I could send shivers to every part of my skin with just one slight brush of my icy palm against the surface of my skin. It seems that my holy grey sweater ain't as good as it was before.

Recently I've been having some terrible (or horrible is the better word? Can't decide..) dreams. For two nights in a row, I dreamed that I died. One on in a car crash and one from blood loss.. I guess (cuz the only thing that I saw was blood trickling down my nose when I looked into the mirror). Yeah, so much for the good nite, sweet dreams! I managed to pull myself out of the dream (don't ask how but that's what I do whenever I dreamt these horrible and dark dreams). I woke up panting, heart pumping like crazy and my good for nothing head was spinning! Anyway I was thankful for not waking my brother. As if that some divine forces knew that the two nights did scare the hell out of me, next night's dream got SLIGHTLY better. I didn't die, but I was driving my little yellow car on the highway and I ran over a dead body (forced a smile). Although I always dreamt of children killing each other (I had one where a little girl hang another child on the tree! Lasted for about a week or so), I'm not at all used to these horrible dreams. I always had this yeah-will-sleep-later-not-sleeping-yet-cuz-can't-sleep shitty lie that I told mostly to my parents and Bee Bee almost everynight. The truth was I'm afraid of going to sleep. Was it meant to be this way? I've been growing up listening to my mum, relatives and some god-know-how-8-women that my life is short. OK! Note taken! I'll die early if that's what they want me to know! But then, is my end really crawling in, inch by inch, this soon?

Didn't I torment myself enough already by not having some normal appetite for food (where all my friends, realtives, family and anyone who knew me are saying that I weigh too little). I know that my staple food - milk, is barely enough to keep me alive but heck i don't even feel like sucking that liquid into my mouth. But then again, thanks to Dutch Lady that came up with a new banana flavored milk recently, my staple food now tasted much better. I am actually relieved that I can still find bliss in food! And someone mentioned that eating is an art?

Endless school work and assignments and not forgeting my dissertation pile is inversely related to the amout of time that I have for completing them (Ya know how this relationship thingy work right? Where in an negative relationship, the increase in this will result in a dercrease in that). There's also some mean midterm tests filling in the most tiniest gap they can find in my schedule. Yeah, I'm living in a beautiful hell (err.. heaven, thank you dear lord! Don't strike me please.. Amen). Oh, mentioned that this is what I do to torture myself before? Sorry.. Count your blessings while you still can, pal!